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這是我. 私だ。This is me.
Spring Quarter 2013 Goals.
Sunday. 4.7.13 2:18 am
Last quarter of undergrad!

1. Grades: No C's! >[
2. Present a poster at Science Poster Day in May. Maybe at a larger conference during
the summer?
3. Apply to more internships!
4. Eat better= less carbs and sugars.
5. Work on omo-plata all day everyday.

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On Brazillian Jiu Jitsu.
Tuesday. 1.22.13 12:45 am
7:10am. A beeping alarm rouses me from my sleep. I groan and reach over and turn
off the alarm, then the one on my phone. A quick snuggle with my stuffed
animals, wishing morning hadn稚 come so fast, and I roll myself out of bed. I get
ready and dressed, and I知 off to catch the first bus to campus. 7:30am.

The second stop, and I知 off to the gym for my first agenda of the day. A white gi
on, hair pinned back and in a single braid, I知 greeted by loud, intense rap music
and the smell of bleach on freshly cleaned mats. A quick stretch, a simple clap of
the hands and a fist pound starts the slow warm-up roll. As we warm up, more
people trickle in and our practice really begins. Some days it is five minute rounds
of drilling, some days it is just working on technique, but it always ends with
some rolling.

8:50am. Off the mats I rush, to the nearest bathroom. The gi comes off, and on
comes the clothes for the rest of the day. And I知 off, for my first class of the
day, always arriving slightly out of breath and a tad late.

I知 obsessed. I知 obsessed in the way you know when really love something,
when you can稚 exactly explain why. Sure, I could simply say, 的 like the way it
teaches you how to use what you have to your advantage and how the smaller
person can win, but that would not even begin to touch the surface of why. It is
just the way I love science, the way I love to swim, the way I could love a person,
unexplainable.

Though, perhaps it is the way it connects me to him, but it isn稚 that anymore,
that was before my obsession. He got me to start, but they池e not the reason why
I continue. Perhaps it is the way it is not just a sport of strength, but rather an
art of technique. Perhaps it is all the chill and friendly people that I have met.
Perhaps the reason is as simple as the endorphins being released during exercise.
Perhaps so many things, yet none of them, even in combination can pinpoint my
obsession. I don稚 know, but all I do know is that it makes me happy and makes
waking up an hour earlier every other day worth it.

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2013 New Year Resolutions
Saturday. 1.5.13 2:12 am
New Year Resolutions:
1. Eat less sugars and carbs.
2. Get into a PhD program for plant science!
3. Take the JLPT N2 in December.
4. Get my ass out of LA.

Goals for Winter Quarter 2013:
1. Obtain the following grades:
-MCDB 140AL: at least A-
-MCDB CM156: at least B
-EEB 162L: at least A-
-Physics 6B: at least B
-Japanese 100B: A
2. Work at least 3 shifts a week at catering, approximately 15 hours/week. -> done!
3. Work harder at research! -> done! working towards a poster next quarter!
3. Go to BJJ club Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings as well as weekend
open mats (as time allows).
->went most days until 10th week!
4. Study for the Chinese Proficiency Test in March!
5. Apply to more internships for Fall 2013-Spring 2014. Look for graduate schools to
apply to. -> NO ONE WANTS ME YET! BUT I'VE TRIED!

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Winter Break Goals
Saturday. 12.15.12 8:00 pm
Winter Break Goals:
1. Apply for internships and jobs. (Applied to some!)
2. Study Chinese. (Very little got studied. :[)
3. Learn basic programming. (LOL I wish.)
4. Watch Breaking Bad, 007 movies, and Fate/Zero. (Started Breaking Bad, but did not
continue. Did not watch anything on my list, but started Community.)

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Perspective
Monday. 12.10.12 12:52 pm
I have often been asked, 展hy did you like K-pop so much? but I hardly ever
gave a straight answer. I usually brush it off with something along the lines of,
鍍he songs are catchy and the guys are good looking. That is just the tip of the
iceberg.

It is not lie that I found the song catchy and the guys good looking, but there was
much more that drew me into K-pop. At first, it was just that that drew me in,
but the more and more I got into K-pop, finding a favorite group and following
them, it became much more than that. Especially with K-pop, each idol is given a
certain character that they mostly follow in public, just like a movie, but
happening in real time.

You see them work hard, laugh, cry. You see their failures and their achievements.
You wonder to yourself, hey, these kids are following their dreams and making it
big. Why can稚 I dream big and work hard? And you do that. And every time you
think you are overwhelmed, you think back to these idols and their overworked
schedules, their lack of sleep, their flying all over the world, and their stamina to
last three hour concerts. And your life is so easy. You just have to go to school,
study, and work. So simple. No huge public pressure. No always being in the eyes
of the public, always judged. So simple.

So when people gave me slack about liking K-pop, judging me for simply liking
pretty faces and nice voices, they choose to see so little. Give these kids some
credit. They have trained almost all their teenaged lives to get where they are. I
definitely did not have that kind of motivation at that age. More than anything,
the culture of K-pop tells a story, a story of motivation and inspiration.

And yes, I do realize that there are much darker side of K-pop, but let us be a
little optimistic. [:

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On Running.
Sunday. 12.9.12 12:49 am
Blue t-shirt, bright pink shorts, and a pair of white running shoes. Hair up, pinned
back, not caring about how I look. Off I go; down Rochester, a right onto Veteran
and my run begins.

The run up Veteran is the hardest part, an uphill climb following the veteran痴
cemetery. A little creepy at times, but I try not to think about it. All I think about
is in through the nose, out through the mouth. My lungs and muscles get enough
oxygen. I continue to run.

I reach Sunset. The signature school sign indicates that I am going the right way.
At this point, just about a third of the way done with my run. The terrain
softens, no more uphill climb. A nice descending run, past the school of
management I go. Thoughts start to flood my brain. What will I do after? What do I
have to do tomorrow? What do I want to eat? How do I feel? My brain works
through these questions, maintaining a steady pace and breathing patterns.

I hit Hillgard. I know I am almost done. A rollercoaster of a street, it is called
Hillgard for a reason. By now, my brain is empty of all thoughts, all my problems
solved and cleared. I pass the W Hotel, hit Lindbrook and I am almost back on
Gayley. Just a couple more blocks until I reach home.

The large intersection on Wilshire is crossed, dodging the never ending speeding
cars, always in a rush. I keep going, just a little more, my apartment is already in
sight. I run pass it and stop in front of the lobby doors. I made it. My body is
refreshed, and my mind is clear. Running, leaving the problems behind.

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Obligation
Monday. 12.3.12 2:40 am
When asked the question, 釘ut do you love your parents? I always say I can稚 say
I do. And in response, I always get something along the lines of, 土ou know you
do. But do I really?

I know I am supposed to. I mean, all children are supposed to love their parents.
But why is it that lately, for the past five years or so, it has become harder and
harder to say, those simple words of 的 love you? It has come to the point where
they say I love you, and the response is simply a murmur of agreement. As much as
I am obligated to say those three words, I can稚 bring myself to say such a thing.

Obligations are never spoken of, only implied. I am expected to do certain things.
They say they just want me to be successful and happy, but what they really
mean is they want to be paid back for all their hard work put into raising me. A
part of them thinks of me as an investment for their future. If they raise me well,
I will do well and in turn be able to take care of them as they age. Though I know
they love me more than anything, but a lot of times, those are the thoughts that
run through my head.

These obligations explain why I live the way I do. Always busy, always more than I
can handle, always stressed. There is not enough time for everything, both what I
want to do and what I have to do, so time must be made. Graduating a year early,
the sole reason is so my parents have one less year to worry about me and a little
less stress on their shoulders. It is my way of showing them my gratefulness for
raising me so well, despite our eternal war. Perhaps, even though I cannot say 的
love you to them, this is my way of showing it to them.

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Work: Part Two
Friday. 11.30.12 11:59 pm
I never really took what the boss and chef said seriously, the whole 努hat a
beautiful family catch-phrase. I never really felt that close with anyone at work;
until just the other day. It was a typical Thursday morning, though just a tad bit
earlier than usual. Up at 5:30 and into the kitchen by 6:15. It was raining, but that
didn稚 deter our work. We carried on, covering our supplies with tablecloths,
driving through a light mist of rain to get to our destination. Set up was as usual,
quick and swift, and then came the standing and waiting for the players to come
in.

The we consists of five of us total, a short but strong half Irish and half Japanese
guy, the tiny but feisty Spanish speaking Chinese girl, the tall and lanky engineer,
the girl with the large, happy personality with a love for football, and plain old me.
We had been working the shift every Thursday morning for just about eight weeks
now. But only now did I realize just how they made a normally dreadful shift a
much better affair.

The realization hit me slowly, as the girl with the large, happy personality just was
not her usual self that day. As the shift wore on, she told us her story. Of how she
loved a man, but alas, he did not, and just mere weeks after seeing her last, told
her he had a girlfriend. She deleted him from her life. No more texts, no more
numbers, nothing left. You could tell she hurt, not just from her words, but from
her eyes and her actions. There wasn稚 that normal happiness in her eyes, the
joyfulness that used to be there. All I could do was encourage her, tell her things
would be okay, and simply offer her a smile of my own.

I thought back on this as the day went on and realized that they had done the
same for me many weeks back. I had not said anything at that time, simply
brushing it off as sleepiness. But they were able to make me smile, make me feel
better, and most of all, make me feel like family.

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picture by me!, rest by invisible
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