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這是我. 私だ。This is me.
Monday. 12.3.12 2:40 am
When asked the question, “But do you love your parents?” I always say I can’t say
I do. And in response, I always get something along the lines of, “you know you
do.” But do I really?

I know I am supposed to. I mean, all children are supposed to love their parents.
But why is it that lately, for the past five years or so, it has become harder and
harder to say, those simple words of “I love you”? It has come to the point where
they say I love you, and the response is simply a murmur of agreement. As much as
I am obligated to say those three words, I can’t bring myself to say such a thing.

Obligations are never spoken of, only implied. I am expected to do certain things.
They say they just want me to be successful and happy, but what they really
mean is they want to be paid back for all their hard work put into raising me. A
part of them thinks of me as an investment for their future. If they raise me well,
I will do well and in turn be able to take care of them as they age. Though I know
they love me more than anything, but a lot of times, those are the thoughts that
run through my head.

These obligations explain why I live the way I do. Always busy, always more than I
can handle, always stressed. There is not enough time for everything, both what I
want to do and what I have to do, so time must be made. Graduating a year early,
the sole reason is so my parents have one less year to worry about me and a little
less stress on their shoulders. It is my way of showing them my gratefulness for
raising me so well, despite our eternal war. Perhaps, even though I cannot say “I
love you” to them, this is my way of showing it to them.

that's because we grew up the asian way. in asian culture, we don't even say thank u to our parents and vice versa. saying it is like a taboo; it must not be mentioned.

although my parents didn't say to my face that they want a payback, i often feel stress out by that invisible message. recently in the wars with my mum, my mum said she regretted in investing me and she almost said how much she regretted in giving birth to me ... only to have such a unfilial daughter.

oh well, that's asian family style of bringing up kids.
» renaye on 2012-12-06 10:48:30

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